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10:25 p.m.
as you well know, i am against men doing anything i think might be even a little bit feminine. this includes wearing pink, crying and rollerblading. but the new thing is men wearing eyeliner. i hate the whole idea of it. i don't think men should wear makeup or get their nails done or get waxed. but i can't help it, a man is so hot when he wears that eyeliner:

just look at jared leto

this all has me very torn.

4:49 p.m.
and people are definitely going to know that something happened with the two girls i was friends with before since they won't be here. also, the other girl i was friends with has stopped calling and emailing. whatever.

4:48 p.m.
people will be here in the next couple of hours. i didn't have anyone to invite and everyone's going to know when they get here. i hate that.

12:54 p.m.
hi. our barbecue is today. here's what i have done:

1. the bathroom: last night i cleaned it while i was waiting for my hair to do its thing. this morning i put in a curtain. these were the curtains i wanted for the living room, but mittens said, "absolutely not," when i showed them to him. so i decided it would work in the bathroom.

i also bought bright red and a color called "pirate's cove" towels.

for whatever reason, they don't have those towels on the website, but it's the color of this lady's shirt.

mittens hated on the color combos, but i love them.

2. gym: shape and sculpt class. it was good. i've been working so hard on my abs. i'm so fucking weak in the middle.

3. housekeeping:

a. i've straightened the living room and covered some brown boxes with fabric that matches the living room curtains to hide them and make them look like tables. gloves was happy with it.

b. i also covered some boxes in the upstairs hallway with fabric left over from the bathroom curtain. everything looks very neat and pulled together. i'm just about to vacuum the stairs.

c. after that, i'm going to do the dreaded bedroom. this involves me going through my 50+ pairs of shoes and narrowing them down to about 10 pairs. you'd think that would be so easy. but it won't. maybe i can cheat and hide some in the closet. i also need to dust and do some general straightening in there. oh, i wish i'd gotten one of those cloth drawers from target the replace the one raoul destroyed by sharpening his claws on it. that's why we cut them now.

d. after that, the kitchen. boooo. our kitchen is so old and funky. even when it's clean, it doesn't look clean. however, gloves and i have decided to ask the landlord if he'll paint if we buy the supplies. he'll likely go for that. i'd like to have him paint the livingroom and stairs also. that would make the place a trillion times better.

4. clothes: of course i bought a new dress for this barbecue. it's black and i'll wear it with a pink sweater. last week someone told mittens that i look really great. i'd like more people to think that.

let me go clean now.

11:14 p.m.
some guy crashed into our mailbox! wednesday morning i heard a loud crash and thought that's what had happened. but i didn't want to deal with it and just kept playing tumblebugs. a few minutes later mittens said there was a guy outside messing with it. i told him of the loud noise and we surmised that was the guy who hit it. he fiddled with it for a while and then left.

i was upset but there didn't seem to be any damage, so i guess i thought the landlord would fix it. anyway, mittens came home later and the guy who did it was talking to the landlord. that made me happy and think that maybe people aren't all bad like me.

welcome back to mike!

10:38 p.m.
i got my bonus from work! just this morning i was thinking about how i couldn't wait to get it next week so i could get my new bike. imagine my surprise when i checked my bank only to find an extra three thousand dollars. yay!

so i bought a new bike. it's still a trek 7100, but it's the women's model with the dropped bar so i can get on and off a lot easier.

yes, i did get to robin's egg blue. i love it! breaux's taking the old one off my hands for $75. heck, he gets the rack and the computer with it. those alone would be about $35 and the bike's in pretty good shape, so he's getting a good deal.

i didn't really get to ride today because it was rainy. tomorrow though. tomorrow morning i'm getting up to go to shape and sculpt and then to ride. we're having a barbecue and i'm determined not to look all swollen and bloated from the chinee foo i had tonight.

i'll get up and have a boiled egg and piece of dry toast (like every fucking morning for the past year and a half), a fruit salad for lunch, then a couple of hot dogs for dinner. i'm within 10 lbs of my final goal weight. when i reach that, i will have lost 90 lbs since i graduated college and 80 since i moved here. i'm very excited.

i also finally got my hair done. mittens actually said he likes it. he doesn't say he likes much about me, so it feels pretty good when he does say it. i'm also really excited about the dress i bought to wear tomorrow night.

i got my new pre-paid cell phone. no more monthly bills. this is very exciting. i was able to carry over my phone number, so no changes. that's what i'd been waiting for, if i'd only called to find out if they could do that, i'd have switched back in april when my contracted ended and saved $150. meh, whatever. my bonus came in.

tomorrow i'll buy us a new bathroom rug.

8:43 p.m.
i'm hearing marilyn manson for the first time in my life. that is really horrible!

6:47 p.m.
i really hate that people always talk about how great it is to see my smiling face. it's such an act, you know. i'm smiling, but i'm miserable and embarrassed and just hate who i am.

some asshole ran into our mailbox with his van. i heard it this morning and then saw him messing with it, trying to fix it. later in the day, mittens said he saw the guy talking to the landlord, so hopefully everything is resolved. i can't figure out how the fuck you could hit our mailbox as there is a sidewalk in front of it, but that asshole did.

fuck you cock sucker!!!

4:44 p.m.
mittens and i are both sick from the salmon we ate for dinner last night. i would have called into work today if it weren't the last day of school. i am off for two weeks. oh, how nice it will be.

7:51 p.m.
we're having a barbecue on saturday. i have no one to invite. mittens has tons of people to invite and i don't have anyone. it's going to be like it's a "guys" barbecue, but i'll be there. i'm not going to know what to talk about and i'll just be there kind of listening to everyone talk about things i don't know about or care about. uhg.

i just kind of let mittens run my life.

8:08 p.m.
i have exciting and good news!

5:52 p.m.
i hate it that i thought i was somebody when i'm not.

9:16 p.m.
i didn't get the job i really wanted. the woman said they decided to keep the person they were going to replace and didn't have "room" for me. so they decided not to hire me over someone they already had doubts about.

i'm just so sad and i feel so rejected. i know i'm the right person for teaching these kids. or maybe i'm not. i don't know.

anyway, i have an interview with bps on the 24th @ 1:00. i'm sure that will bring something.

i'm frustrated because i hate my job so much. i'm so overworked and underpaid. and i'm in over my head in terms of what i have the capacity to do as far as leading my team.

6:25 p.m.
so. here's what's up. when i met with the principal from the transition school, she told me she was hoping to make a decision by yesterday. i emailed her yesterday morning to find out if she'd decided anything and i got this in response:

"I was thinking about you as I drove into work this morning. Give me a call Monday afternoon and we will talk. Have a great weekend."

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!? seriously, i haven't stopped thinking about it. i'm convinced it means she hasn't thought about me since the interview, didn't want to tell me on a friday because she wants me to have a good weekend and wants to "talk" to let me down easily.


9:20 p.m.
so i started doing this "shape & sculpt" class at my gym. i really enjoy it and i'm able to do a pretty good job at most of the stuff. after the class last week, i could barely walk because the lunges killed my hamstrings. i also had a very sore stomach because of the leg kicks we do with partners. i was able to do about five of them last week. this week i was able to only do two. i think i might have done some serious muscle damage. but damn, you never realize how weak the muscles in front of your pelvis are.

but i really dig the class, even though i'm in pain for about four days afterwards. i know that after a few weeks, i'll be fine and i'll look good, too.

also, abs. i've almost got abs. that crazy. i've never in my life had abs or even anything close to a flat stomach.

i keep thinking about my mom and how embarrassed she always was about my body. that really upsets me--that she was embarrassed by her own child. how could you be like that?

5:26 p.m.
as you know, i ride my bike a lot. i ride to and from the train station. when i ride, i've got my clothes, my breakfast, my thermas and my lunch in my backpack. i've had the same backpack for about five years now and i'm pretty sick of looking at it. it was a gift to me from tammy when i moved from oklahoma. i'd finally discared the red one i'd been carrying since 2nd grade and she was kind enough to buy me the same brand in blue.

as i'm getting older, i'm trying to look a little more reputable. here's what i've been doing to do that:

1. wear heels
2. more sophisticated clothes
3. expensive haircut
4. better manners

so i wanted a new backpack that was less sporty and more professional. they don't really make those though. here's what i found instead:

i really love toile lately and i think this is just perfect. i'm really happy!

9:33 a.m.
oh my god. gloves is in the shower and i need to pee desparately. it's fucking 84 degrees outside already. i'm going to go ride as soon as he is out of the shower.

we are making grilled pizza today.

6:12 p.m.
i think tomorrow i'm going to go to dsw and buy those $70 tan guess heels. i've really wanted a pair of tan heels and the other ones i tried on were a little big. good for me.

2:42 p.m.
it's like i'm back home today. it's fucking hot. like, a million degrees. actually, the "feels like" temp on my weather watcher says it feels like 99 degrees outside. really, it's only 91 degrees. uh, it's so hot in this room that i think i just felt a cool breeze on my back. it's awesome. i got up early this morning and rode before it got to hot. i'm in summertime heaven. who has a pool? oooh, i should go buy a new swimsuit!

8:35 p.m.
that fucking insane woman is completely fucking insane. really. she's out of her fucking mind.

8:41 p.m.
i finally watched that clip of fergie singing barracuda on the today show. that might be the worst performance of anything i've ever seen. she doesn't sound terrible, but she just doesn't have "it." whatever "it" is. maybe it's because she looks like she's 45, but whatever she's doing just doesn't seem age appropriate for her. you expect something more sophisticated from a woman who (looks) her age. just, everything she does is a big failure.

and yet, she's got this totally hot fiancee. that makes me think that there might be something wrong with him, like that he's stupid. really, really, really stupid.

5:49 p.m.
oh, i've got my computer back! yay!!!

8:07 p.m.
uhg. just uhg. i fucking hate my job. i hate the adults. i work my ass off and i get nothing. most of my students love me at least.

8:28 p.m.
i hate the world.

i've been sick with various colds since march.

fuck that.

9:20 p.m.
habiba called me for an interview at cts!!! this is the greatest thing on earth. please let me get that job.

9:45 p.m.
so i need to go pee really bad, but gloves is in the bathroom. i'm starting to get really bloated.

i can't stop thinking about tim. last night i dreamed he was one of my students discharging from the program. i wanted to pull him aside to give him the number to where he could reach me, but i couldn't find a place to sit down with him. so i just let him go.

i just want to make sure i let never let anyone go like that again. i barely knew him, but he was still very important to me. i don't know why and none of this makes any sense.

by the way, this is my list of people who are out of their minds:

my mom
my sister
that insane teacher i work with
and any of my students
anyone who doesn't hire me for a job

11:44 p.m.
and god, my boss uses the word "expecially." i mean really.

10:01 p.m.
it's been a rough week. everything just kind of sucks lately.

i hate my job. i mean, i fucking love my job but i fucking hate my job. i'm a teacher. but i'm also a principal. my job has become less and less teaching and more and more principaling and i fucking hate it. i get confused and forget that my job is mostly principal and i start to love it. then, i remember.

anyway, i've been going on interviews and i'm feeling more and more sure that this is what i want to do. i want to keep teaching, and i don't want to work with the fucked up, dysfunctional assholes i work with. seriously, that place is about to implode.

so i'm very excited. i can't wait to not have to tell other people what to do. i'm ready to just take care of myself and worry about me and getting even better at my craft. it's going to be so nice when my job is actually to spend time engaging with my students. it's going to be so awesome.

so anyway, i went on another interview this week. it went really good and i think i'd really like to work there. habiba has told me that she really wants to meet with me about cts but that she still doesn't know if they'll have an opening. i'll keep waiting and keep interviewing.

i'm lonely.

9:03 p.m.
so i just found out that tim motley killed himself because he was gay.

9:49 p.m.
i have another job interview coming up. mittens also has one thursday. yay for us. we're both about making more money.

10:56 a.m.
so my computer is going to die very soon. well, not the whole thing, just the hard drive. so i'm going to get a new one soon. a new hard drive, that is. so in the past two month, my car has broken, my ipod was run over by a car and now my computer. anything else? does anything else want to break?

5:49 p.m.
i just am very upset to hear about tim. of all my old boyfriends, he was definately my favorite. he was the only guy who, after doin' it, called me a few months later and said, "i just wanted to make sure you didn't pregnant or anything." i know that's no reason to think someone's nice, but he was the only person to ever do that.

he was really poor and his family didn't have a phone. i remember he used to call me from work. we didn't have much to talk about since i was very shy with boys, but he tried. there were so many missed connections for him and me. i remember when i was in college my mom told me he called and wanted me to know he was in school and working. i told her that if he called again, she should give him my number. i don't know if he ever tried to call, but i was always so sad he didn't. for years i would drive down his block and hope to see him walking or sitting outside or something, but i never did.

i remember that he broke up with me. he said it was to get back with his prior girlfriend (who he later married), but i'm pretty sure it was because i wasn't easy when we were actually supposed to be a couple. later in the summer, we'd just get down after summer school class.

looking back, i feel really bad for him. i wasn't mean to him and i really wanted to be with him. what was so strange was that i was what he thought he wanted. he and his friends had such a party image, but it was mostly image. i remember his disappointment and frustration with me when i showed up drunk one evening.

we both thought we were a certain way and we learned from each other that we weren't that way at all. i mean, i presented myself as all sex and he presented himself as all party. but that's not how we each were. instead he was all sex and i was all party.

i wasn't in love with him. but i was very drawn to him. he was the first guy i'd ever had that kind of relationship with. i'd always thought we were on the brink of something good, but we were both to timid to figure it out.

9:31 p.m.
Deceased Name: Timothy Wayne Motley
MOTLEY Timothy Wayne, age 26, left us Oct. 22, 2001 for a better place with his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. A 1996 graduate of Southeast High School, he took the top achievement honor award in art. He loved being creative and using his talent in woodworking, he also enjoyed basketball, building low rider bicycles and just being with his friends. Tim was employed at Wardwood, Inc. at the time of his passing. He is survived by his loving wife, Andrea Dawn Motley, daughter McKenzie Miranda Motley; his mother, Elaine Williams of OKC; Father, Donald Motley of Minneola, TX; stepfather Buddy Tsotaddle of Carnegie, OK; sisters, Shavonne and Rachel Williams both of OKC; aunts Connie Williams Ibarra, LeVonna Williams, uncle Juan Ibarra; niece Kimberly Williams, nephews Juan Ibarra, Jr. & Dakota Dean. Many cousins and friends and special lifelong friends Joe Wallin & Benji Scudder. Timothy was of Choctaw, Mississippi Choctaw, Creek and Sem! inole descent. Funeral services will be 10 AM Thursday, Oct. 25, 2001 at the Choctaw Tribal Alliance Community Center, 5320 South Youngs Blvd. OKC. Interment will be at 3 PM in the Macedonia Indian Cemetery, Bentley, OK located SE of Atoka, OK.


9:19 p.m.
i just can't believe it. i'm so sad.

9:10 p.m.
i just found out that my boyfriend from 11th and 12th grade killed himself. i'm trying to figure out details right now.

10:32 a.m.
woo! i dreamed this morning that i was back on the dating scene. i had a personal ad and it was answered by a much older man. who was the old guy telling the story in waiting for guffman. i was dating because mittens had passed away, which is one thing i've been worried about lately. that's going to be horrible if it happens. the last thing i want is to be single again and not have mittens in my life. i love him so.

even though he doesn't want to sleep with me.

7:46 p.m.
oh, my chest is killing me. no more cough medicine because it's making me cough which is making everything worse.

oh, i made those meat roll things again. they will be my lunch this week. man, i can't wait to go on more job interviews.

9:32 a.m.
so the neighbor who never says hello to us is outside, probably cleaning his pool so his kids and yell and scream all summer. (how i hate that yelling and screaming.) he has a radio on and it's playing ac/dc or something. it's not really that loud and it sounds like some sort of portable little radio from the 80s. it's making me both happy and annoyed.

actually, i might just be annoyed by the bird tweet tweet tweeting outside the window.

9:46 a.m.
i can't figure out if i'm dizzy because i'm so tired or because of all of the cough medicine i've been taking.

6:16 p.m.
god! why does cough syrup taste so bad?!

does that tell you anything? i'm sick with a chest cold. i didn't want to spend my spring break feeling like this.

6:47 p.m.
i have just a little bit of a sun burn from riding my bike today. this is awesome!

mittens is letting me use his ipod since he doesn't really use it. that's good, even though i still think he doesn't want to sleep with me.

5:34 p.m.
no red sox tickets for us. clearly people did not wish hard enough for me. fuck you!

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