guestbook 12:50 p.m. mittens is playing a video game. i'm more interested in watching leave it to beaver. 2007-10-07 12:42 p.m. oh how i love the guy in sex and the city. the hair is feeling a little better. now it's just kind of itchy. oscar just tried to pull one of them. i just slept for another two hours. these two cats, raoul and oscar (wetback cats!), do not like being picked up. they like sitting in your lap but only if they choose to do so. they will accept being petted at all times as long as they are not being picked up. i got...what was i going to say? i totally don't want to go back to work. 2007-10-07 9:21 a.m. it's really cold and chilly today. last night at about 8:00 we went downstairs to watch a movie. we flipped through the ondemand and i said we should watch "running with scissors." mittens said okay and put it on. within about 10 minutes, i started dozing off. i slept until it ended. then, i went upstairs and feel right asleep and slept until 9 this morning. when's the last time i slept 12 hours? 2007-10-07 6:41 p.m. i got a weave! okay, it's not a weave, but i did get braids with extensions. oh the pain. i've wanted braids since i was a young child. i remember how cool it was that those girls would have beads in their hair. that was always like, the coolest thing ever. but alas, i was not black and my mother would not put beads in my hair. so i decided i was going to finally get braids. when i spoke to romaney, malyka, fiona and jamiel about them, they all told me what to say when i called and to be prepared to stay at the shop for a good long time. none of them told me about the exorbitant pain i would have to endure at the salon. this shit is killing. i'm going to run it under some water now. mittens actually likes it, which is very surprising. he came home and saw it and said he liked it. he thought i was getting cornrows. but nope, i got singles. lots of them. 2007-10-06 8:36 p.m. i'm totally in love with andre 3000. 2007-10-05 7:38 p.m. i'm going to get my hair done tomorrow. i can't believe i have a jaw line again. and i'd forgotten how freaky long my necks is. oh, i can't wait to see everyone back home. i bought a new train ticket today. xlamex. i might start wearing an enhancing bra. these boobs just aren't working for me. 2007-10-05 8:27 p.m. things that make me really angry: 1. women walking around carrying dogs 2. singers swinging around microphones 3. people not sitting correctly in their chairs 4. spitting so today is october 4th, right? on october 2nd, i bought my $151 commuter rail/subway/bus ticket for october. i have managed to lose my ticket. i have to buy a new one. 2007-10-04 8:07 p.m. BRITNEY SPEAR!!! 2007-10-01 8:43 p.m. about jewish humor. i never knew there was a thing called jewish humor until i met mittens. i mean, i knew there was that style of humor, like woody allen and people like that, but i didn't know that it meant they were supposed to be jewish. i learn so many new things these days. 2007-09-29 6:44 p.m. so the car and the hotel are booked. i was able to get a good hotel for $65/night. that's the nice thing about okc, good stuff is still really cheap. how i'm counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds. 2007-09-29 8:18 p.m. mittens is home tonight and we are trying to get back to our old selves. to do that, mittens is making faces at me, blowing at me and putting his feet on me, because those are the things he does to get my attention. those are all things i hate. why does my boyfriend engage in negative behavior to get my attention. at least i know he's not cheating. 2007-09-27 7:40 p.m. how the fuck is it 90 degrees in massachusetts at the end of september. this doesn't make any sense at all. 2007-09-27 8:16 p.m. has anyone watched that show "the pick-up artist" on vh1? i saw the main guy from it talking last night. i can't even describe how surreal the whole thing is. like, he's not attractive, but he's supposed to be. maybe? but like, so is the joke on him that his lines aren't funny and are used up? or is the joke on us because we are dumb enough to think this guy could actually pick up a woman? or is the joke on the contestants who think if they do anything this guy does they will be able to pick up a woman? it's got me completely freaked out. 2007-09-24 10:09 p.m. in case you don't know, i hate babies. like, i hate them. i just find them disgusting and gross. that said, the idea of watching the movie "baby's day out," gives me horrible chills, makes me sweat and reeks havoc on my emotional well being. 2007-09-22 9:27 p.m. guess what! i'm sick. 2007-09-22 11:43 p.m. i'm leaving to get mittens at the airport! it's been two weeks since i've seen him, and four weeks since i got to spend some real time with him. i'm going to start taking my work clothes to a laundry service. i'm tired of ironing, you know. i figure i'll pay $20/week instead. 2007-09-21 8:57 p.m. i would give anything, ANYTHING to have my ears pierced. 2007-09-20 8:50 p.m. every night oscar curls up with me. in the morning, he's still there. it is the most wonderful thing the way he wants to be near me. i love it that our pets want to be with us as much as we want to be with them. that is why i love these cats. 2007-09-20 8:44 p.m. i really really really hate life. 2007-09-20 8:49 p.m. i'm feeling like going to bed now. i wish i had a bacon cheeseburger and crinkle fries with a butter brickle shake from braum's. and a chocolate donut. man, those would be so perfect. 2007-09-19 8:23 p.m. "Rather, men have inherited from their successful ancestors psychological mechanisms sensitive to contexts in which aggression probabilistically leads to the successful solution of a particular adaptive problem." please discuss. 2007-09-18 8:20 p.m. i'd like to read a book by a man who hates women, like norman mailer or henry miller or charles bukowski. have i mention how much i love charles bukowski. we watched a documentary about him some time ago. all i learned was that he didn't really hate women, it was just part of his image. that really spoiled him for me. also, there is a new movie coming out with my boyfriend, benicio del toro. please see it and envy our love. haterz! 2007-09-18 9:11 p.m. also, aarne forgot to drop off the grass. 2007-09-17 8:56 p.m. what a fucking day! i couldn't start my car after i rode my bike. so i talked to a guy and he said he thought the engine was flooded. so i went for a walk. it turns out while i was out walking i left my phone and wallet on the back of the car. i went to the grocery store to get cat food and there was no wallet in my bag. that's when i realized what i'd done. i went back to find my wallet. my cell phone was still on the back of the car. when i found my wallet, everything was all scattered in the street. everything was there except our shared check card. i just called to cancel that. also, my wallet had been run over. boooo! 2007-09-17 8:28 p.m. you would be sooooo jealous of all of the detective and suspense shows i have on my itune if only you loved them the way i do. 2007-09-15 8:02 p.m. i am sooo into these old radio detective shows. i mentioned i liked them to mittens' dad who sent me some cds. i can't stop listening to them while i ride my bike! i just love listening to people talk on the radio. i can't help it. it's so fun to hear those stories. also, i'm a c cup now. i feel sort of bad for anyone who used to stare at my (formerly) giant boobs. i'll have to find some other way to bring joy to the world. 2007-09-15 8:51 p.m. so my job has gotten us access to an online program for students who are working on credit recovery. you see, most of our students are working on algebra stuff. but we get an occasional student who is working on geometry, algebra 2 and (god-forbid) pre-calculus. we went to the training today and i found out that we have access to the classes ourselves as well. i'm planning on taking all of the advanced math ones so i can apply for my mass. state teaching license in math. it's going to be awesome! 2007-09-14 8:42 p.m. both today and yesterday my skirt and pants nearly feel off of me while walking in public places. it was one of my favorite skirts and my favorite capri jeans. this weekend i'll be getting out all of the clothes i packed away a couple of years ago because they didn't fit anymore. i also ordered a bunch of pants. 2007-09-14 8:39 p.m. the last night i lived in oklahoma, i spent hours with david just crying and crying and crying about saying goodbye to him. above all, he's a friend. a real friend to me. i'm so lucky to have that with him. 2007-09-14 7:59 p.m. there's nobody here i can really talk to. i'm going home to visit and there's nobody there, either. i'm not sure what to do. 2007-09-12 7:53 p.m. i miss him so. 2007-09-12 8:15 p.m. how have i ended up with so many dry clean only clothes? please tell me. 2007-09-11 8:13 p.m. i have now lost 35 lbs. it's awesome. here's what sucks: my favorite black slacks, the ones that fit me great and that everyone loved on me are now too big. what will i do? 2007-09-11 8:00 p.m. i had another one of those double vision things. what should i do? 2007-09-11 8:24 p.m. i'm lucky to be with the person i'm with. sometimes i think of david and how depressed he gets. and i wonder how much i would feed into that and become so much more depressed myself. it makes me worry. anyway, mittens is away on vacation. how i miss his hugs and kisses so much. he won't be back until the 23rd. what will i do? 2007-09-10 6:28 p.m. okay, i didn't think britney was that bad. i mean, she didn't fall or anything. i do feel bad for her. 2007-09-10 8:58 p.m. i really like lincoln park 2007-09-09 8:56 p.m. all this time i thought dave grohl looked like tom green. then i saw the "learning to fly" video. it turns out he looks like the dumb one on friends. 2007-09-09 8:26 p.m. hey! the woman in the fiber choice commercial has the same alarm clock as us!!! 2007-09-09 8:17 p.m. i feel really bad for women who have no boobs. like kate hudsand and glen stefani. 2007-09-09 8:07 p.m. le boyfriend is gone. i watched the justin timerlan concert. he's so good at dancing! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO BRITNEY SPEAR TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!?!??!?! 2007-09-08 10:01 p.m. i am soooo excited about britney spear being on the vmas. i know they will be on a delay and can cut anything out, but one thing's certain: she will look a hot mess. i know this because she only lets her people fix her up. and the way they've been fixing her lately, she's going to be a real trainwreck on the vmas. i kind of think it might get to a point where she doesn't perform. i really believe this is her last chance! i'm dying to know what happens. 2007-09-07 9:24 p.m. mittens is leaving on vacation tomorrow. i'm very sad. 2007-09-07 9:22 p.m. i just got $350 worth of stuff for $105. and since i spent more than $100, i did not have to pay for shipping. i am awesome. 2007-09-07 8:53 p.m. this is awesome! i'm watching the justin timerlin's concert on hbo. i really like this guy. he reminds me of a young michael so. in the way he sings and the way he slides all around while he dances. and i just kind of like him. he seems like a nice guy, even though he's been making some really arrogant remarks about himself. whatever. he's still fun to watch on the tv. 2007-09-06 8:21 p.m. mittens is watching videos of people falling from www.youtube.com. 2007-09-06 9:42 p.m. i did the car rental. 2007-09-03 9:16 p.m. it's back to work tomorrow. i don't really want to go back to work. suxor. 2007-09-03 3:06 p.m. i waxed my upper lip finally. 2007-09-03 11:11 a.m. bills to pay on my next paycheck: car insurance, cell phone, electric from the old house, plus i need to put $450 in our bills account. so that means, uhm, i will need to put aside $645. that's no problem. i need to brush my teeth before i go ride my bike. but the mitten's brother is in there and i just heard him let out gas really loud. so i will have to wait until i get back. 2007-09-03 9:40 p.m. you can laugh at me all you want, but that song "torn" by creed rocks! 2007-09-02 8:29 p.m. i met my goal. i rode 104.6 miles in 7 days. raise the roof! also awesome: i got my ticket to visit okc. this might be the most exciting thing ever. i haven't been back to visit at all since i moved away four years ago. i'm so excited. i can't wait to see my friend cindy. i can't wait to see chris. i can't wait to see everyone. i can't wait to seeeee everything. it's going to be wonderful. 2007-09-02 6:28 p.m. wow. i've had a really productive day. i got up this morning and worked on the laundry. i hung stuff and moved stuff from the washer and put stuff into the washer. i did the ironing. i took a shower, went to get my nails done--a full manicure and new polish on my toes. i went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of stuff--chicken, canned crab claw meat, bar-b-q, buns, hot dogs, hamburger patties, bleach, potatos, etc. i rode 20 miles, twice what i planned, putting me up to 85 miles. i'm totally going to meet my 100 mile goal this week! i'm in love with the lil mama song "lipgloss." there need to be more songs like this and "air force ones." really. there do. you know what needs to happen. they need to fix the fucking bagging areas on the self-checkout area so you can bag your stuff using to cloth bags. i said that to the manager. he said, "well, you're supposed to use plastic bags." i said, "i don't want to use plastic bags." he didn't say anything to that. i mean, really! what is the point of having the cloth bags if i'm still going to use to plastic bags. i will write to the shaws. do you think i can get something for free? 2007-09-01 10:29 p.m. okay, this sebastian bach thing on celebrity rap star cannot be real. there's no way this could just happen in life. like, nobody is really like this guy. that was not good. these judges do not know what they are talking about it. it might have been the worst thing in the world. 2007-08-31 7:17 p.m. i'm dying to get the vidalia slice wizard. 2007-08-31 6:45 p.m. oh god! i just talked to my mom. she's wants us to spend a day together while i'm there. she's even said she wants to take a day off. how do i handle it? she's going to be crushed if i don't do it. 2007-08-31 5:42 p.m. my life sucks. i thought i had a yeast infection, so i bought the stuff and used it and i thought everything was fine. so when i went to the doctor, i didn't mention it. but it hasn't cleared up. and i'm not sure it is a yeast infection. the symptoms just aren't the same. instead, i think it's bacterial vaginosis. i've got all the symptoms and i have an iud. the only think that's freaking me out is that it is associated with having new or multiple partners. i don't have any new or multiple partners. so whatever. i should be able to get into the doctor on tuesday. i looked up to see if planned parenthood is open tomorrow, but they are closed for the holiday. this sucks. 2007-08-31 3:59 p.m. okay. shower time, then vacuuming. then the movie!!! 2007-08-31 3:51 p.m. this interview isn't that bad. he's mostly funny. and she's mostly uptight. i think he won that one. 2007-08-31 3:17 p.m. i rode nearly 20 miles. it was awesome. i was only going to ride 16, but i decided to ride 3.3 more. as i was driving home, fresh air came on. they are doing a week of rock and heavy metal interviews. and guess who's going to be on today? GENE SIMMONS!!! now listen, i am not a kiss fan. i actually hate them. BUT, i've heard so many stories about how foul, offensive and generally inappropriate this interview is, that i've been dying to hear it. i don't think i'll have the same appreciation for it after seeing him be the foil all the time on the show about his family. so i was planning on going to get my nails done this afternoon, but i'm home, waiting for that interview to come on. after this, i'm going to take a shower and then vacuum the living room. after that, i'm going to watch for your consideration. oh, also, there was an interview of christopher guest on this same episode of fresh air. how i'd marry him if i had the chance. 2007-08-31 10:57 a.m. mittens is off for to work for the weekend at a festival in rhode island. i've got the house to myself (mostly) for the weekend. i'm not planning on doing anything really. i'll watch a few movies, smoke grass, sleep, ride that bike, get these nails done (probably today), eat rice, try to decide what i'm going to teach when school begins (probably slope stuff), even though i don't think that's the right stuff for the beginning of the school year. whatever. what about this cat at 6 this morning. he wouldn't shut up. he's staying up late tonight so he doesn't get up so early tomorrow. i'm going to ride this bike now. then, i'm going to get my nails done and go to target. 2007-08-31 9:21 p.m. i just bought $325 worth of clothes for $125. including shipping. i'm awesome. look what i got: it's true, i do. do you think this shirt will make me look bitchy? you know. it's back to school time. even though all the guys just saw me in jeans and tshirts for the past two days while i was doing their nails, once classes start again, i have to look nice before i'll stand up in front of them. 2007-08-30 8:49 p.m. i have only a few small things to do until i go back to work on monday. i have to do the laundry. i have to get my nails done. i have to watch the movie for your consideration finally. and that's about it. this break has been very busy. i've ridden almost 70 miles on my bike this week. it might rain, or i would have hit about 85 tomorrow and over 100 on saturday. i might still make it. this is my first 100 mile week since last summer. also, i must be getting old. i finally like the who. does anyone know where i can get those earrings that have the magnetic backs? i'm too fragile to have my ears pierced. 2007-08-30 10:35 p.m. what day is it? 2007-08-29 10:17 p.m. we just saw superbad. it was cute. i'm crushing on seth rogan bigtime. but you'd probably already figured that out. if you knew me. 2007-08-28 6:59 p.m. remember how mad i was that mittens wouldn't go with me to the museum because he didn't want to see some girl he had drama with 20 years ago. he was telling me that he was talking about that situation on some message board and all the girls were like, "you didn't tell her that, did you?" and he said he was like, "yeah, shouldn't i have?" so i told him how angry i was after that and that he needed to just deal with it. anyway, he's making it up to me by taking me to the movies tonight instead of staying home to watch the red sox play the yankees. isn't it nice of him to do that since he's goinig to be gone for the next three weekends. 2007-08-28 6:59 p.m. remember how mad i was that mittens wouldn't go with me to the museum because he didn't want to see some girl he had drama with 20 years ago. he was telling me that he was talking about that situation on some message board and all the girls were like, "you didn't tell her that, did you?" and he said he was like, "yeah, shouldn't i have?" so i told him how angry i was after that and that he needed to just deal with it. anyway, he's making it up to me by taking me to the movies tonight instead of staying home to watch the red sox play the yankees. isn't it nice of him to do that since he's goinig to be gone for the next three weekends. 2007-08-28 4:32 p.m. so next month i'm going to end my contract with cingular early. my contract isn't up until the end of march, so if i end it now, i'll only have to pay $175. if i wait until then and just keep paying, it'll be nearly $350. i'm going to switch to t-mobile pre-paid. i don't use 99% of the stuff on my regular cell phone and i've got well over 2200 roll over minutes which means i'm only using about 250 minutes each month. through t-mobile, i can get 1000 minutes that don't expire for a year for $100. that will last me about four months. so yes, i'm very excited as i also haven't been really thrilled with my razr phone. it's too fancy for me and it always feels like it's going to fall apart. plus, i can keep the same phone number. it's awesome. 2007-08-28 12:49 p.m. my plan for this weekend is to update my living will. i need to add that my sister is not to visit me or attend my funeral. 2007-08-28 12:44 p.m. how awesome is my new layout by the way? 2007-08-28 11:58 a.m. and so, here it is. time for me to get my annual yeast infection. they say most women will get two or three in their LIFETIME. i, at the current rate, will experience not less than 20 should i live another 15 years. should i live longer than that, i could have the pleasure of experiencing 30, 40 or even 50. sweet! i will not go on here about how fast, quality, comfortable yeast infection cures should be free. i think that is well known by now. but so listen to this: i've got one of those flexible spending accounts for medical related stuff through my job. i can use it to pay co-pays, and for loads and loads and loads of other stuff like another abortion, should i need one, advil, artificial teeth, wart remover, electrolysis, new glasses, hemorrhoid cream and meals at hospitals if i'm waiting for care. the nice thing about it is that i have $50 taken out of each paycheck for it, but i have a credit of $1200/year. that's good as i feel like i'm paying for all of that stuff out of my pocket. even though i am. so for now, i've only payed about $150 for it, but i've used about $200 for prescription co-pays mostly. it also comes out pre-tax, which is awesome. on the other hand, you have to use it all by the end of the fiscal year. that will not be a problem for me given the amount of advil, benadryl and yeast infection cures i buy. it's like this credit card thing, so i always have it with me. these cats are so happy to have me home. i'm going out to ride this bike then to buy the yeast infection cure. we are going to the movies tonight. i am so excited. it's been nearly a year since we've gone. also, my dad sent back with me a copy of for your consideration. i haven't gotten to see it yet. i'm so excited. what kind of cute dress will i wear to the movies tonight. i left all of my makeup in nashville. i will now get to buy more. that's good as i've wanted to switch brands for a while. i no longer need to use covergirl anymore. i make decent money now and want to invest in better quality makeup. 2007-08-28 10:05 p.m. this afternoon i dreamed i was going to help revive britney spear's career by having her go to the same places as brad pitt and angelina jolie and sign autographs while they are all there so people have a better opinion of her. the dream also involved her wearing a pair of white stiletto leather ankle boots and white leather shorts to match them. the plan was so easy, but she didn't want to listen to us tell her what to do because we wouldn't tell her the reason. finally we told her the reason and she decided to do it. it was a good dream. 2007-08-27 9:04 p.m. remember last september mittens was away for like, four weekends in a row. it's going to happen again this september. he's at the festival next weekend and then leaves for california the following weekend and will be gone for the next two weekends. so instead of being away four weekends, it will only be three. but still. he's the most awesome and i'll be so sad when he leaves. but while he's gone, i'll ride my bike so much. it will be so fun. 2007-08-27 9:02 p.m. oh it feels so good to smoke grass again. 2007-08-27 5:18 p.m. to: dad and sharon from: jodie re: our trip home from nashville You won't believe everything that happened to us on the trip back. When we got to the airport Sunday, we couldn't check in. We went to the counter where the agent told us our tickets were still booked for Tuesday even though our itinerary had changed. I'm not really sure how that could happen, but she was able to get us onto the flights designated on the itinerary. While she was changing the tickets, she told us she was supposed to charge us $100 for the change but that she wasn't going to. She also told us that her supervisor was just a couple of booths down and that if she walked by, she would have to charge us. I asked her if I should go distract the supervisor but was told not to worry about it. The agent was able to print the tickets just a few seconds before the supervisor walked by. We managed to make it to DC okay, but got there to find out our flight was delayed until 7:30, because the plane was still at JFK. It was delayed a number of times and 9:00, the plane finally left JFK. At about 10:00, the plane ended up landing at Baltimore because it had spent so long trafficking at JFK it didn't have to fuel to make it the extra 50 miles to DC. When they made the announcement that it was at BWI, they also said they weren't sure if they would do the flight to Boston because it was so late. At about 10:50, the plane landed at our airport. The plane had to be in the air again by 11:20 or the clearance to fly would expire. All but eight people had rescheduled so boarding was quick, but the ground crew didn't know that there was a time issue, so they didn't rush getting everything done. At 11:05 we quickly boarded the plane and were all buckled and ready to go. The flight attendant was getting everything ready and doing all of the announcements. Finally, at 11:15, the flight ended up being canceled because there was too much traffic on the runway for us to leave on time. The airline paid for us to stay at the Hyatt Regency and we took a flight this morning at 8:00. 2007-08-27 10:51 p.m. driving south of boston always makes me homesick. 2007-08-21 10:22 p.m. jobeth, i have the biggest zit right where the inside of my nose meets my upper, upper lip. nobody else can see it so i guess everyone thinks i have my finger up my nose. really, i'm just checking this zit. jodie 2007-08-20 9:55 p.m. why couldn't i have been born a b-52? 2007-08-20 9:38 p.m. for some reason i forgot about the barbra streisand/barry gibb duet. i love this song! 2007-08-20 9:05 p.m. i also saw the origami exhibit. it was really amazing, too. there were a million kids though. i hated hearing them laugh and giggle and squeeee!!! and would you believe it! some of those parents brought their kids up to the joseph cornell exhibit on the third floor. and those kids were complaining and fussing and "when can we go?" see what i mean about children. they aren't for anything. i would have taken one of those joseph cornell boxes and smashed it over each of their tiny heads if it would have made a difference. so whatever. please, if you have kids, don't take them to see crowded modern art exhibits if they are not ready. also, i'm leaving on vacation wednesday to go see my father in nashville. this is very exciting. i got my hair done last week (it's now red with blond highlights [awesome!]) and i just waxed my upper lip. did i mention i've now lost 30lbs? did i mention that? i look awesome. man, i can't wait to see my dad this week. i'm so excited to see him! i have to go to professional development tomorrow. boooooo. i hate sitting in those freezing rooms. 2007-08-20 8:02 p.m. are you all jealous of the joseph cornell exhibit i saw on saturday? you should be. the exhibit is gone now, so you won't be able to catch any huge collection of his work in new england anytime soon. it was so amazing to see it. i wanted so badly to touch it. to touch something he had actually touched and to feel such a direct connection to him. but everything was behind glass and so i still do not feel i was able to experience him as fully as i'd hoped. there were chances to touch collages, but i didn't, because i didn't want to be thrown out. the work was even more amazing than i'd expected. i'd never realized his wonderful sense of humor. and i'd never expected the degree to which he has influenced my own work. i'd go back and touch those things now if i could. 2007-08-20 11:58 a.m. i'm going on vacation to see my dad on wednesday!!! i can't wait. it's going to be so fucking hot there, but i'll live. i'm going to be with my dad, so who cares what the weather is? 2007-08-20 11:55 a.m. for the past two winters, i've been complaining that i should have taken my coat to have it cleaned. it's always covered with cat fur and all kinds of other fuzzies, i guess because it is wool. anyway, i finally took it in today because i have a really great new pair of pants that are dry clean only. xlamex. so i finally dropped my coat off. 2007-08-20 11:53 a.m. i'm off work again until the 4th. my life is awesome. 2007-08-20 12:00 a.m. okay, so when i was in middle school, cole haan loafers were very popular. i REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted a pair, but i knew we couldn't afford them. everyone had them and i wondered what was different about their lives that they could have them. i mean, we went to the same school and my neighborhood, though not as nice as those of the other students, was still quiet and we'd moved out of the projects--home to the other poor kids who had those shoes. and it wasn't that i thought my parents were keeping something from me to make me suffer, i guess i felt like i wasn't a priority in my parents life so they would make it so i could have something i really wanted. by seventh grade, when all this loafer business came to be, i'd figured out that it was okay to tell my mom i'd like to have something, but not okay to actually ask for it. like, i'd tell my mom all the time how all the kids had these cole haan loafers and what they looked liked and how much i'd love to have a pair but i never even asked because i knew i'd never be able to have them. i was so excited one day while we were shopping at the thrift store for the up-coming school year's clothes. from the entry to the shoe section, i saw them. they were worn and nearly beyond presentation, but i wanted them. i looked at the price. i guess they were about $10, which was about a third of what i had for all of my clothes for the school year. and of course, in a rare moment of wise parenting, my mom told me "absolutely not," she was not going to have her child dressed in such clearly used shoes especially when everyone knew she couldn't have worn those shoes so much over just one summer. and so, i didn't argue with her. instead, we went to the venture up by nichols hills and i got a pair of the $6 knock offs that might have been the worst knock-offs on earth of all time ever. AND, it turned out i had the cheapest knock-offs of all--my friend sonya shaffer actually had the decent knock-offs that didn't start to fall apart after a month. so whatever. the same thing happened to me in 9th grade with some fake doc martens boots. after about two weeks, a hole cracked in the top of the big toe of the right boot. at least i was able to cover that with a band aid and make a joke about it so people would laugh. all of this came back to me while i was at marshall's today. they had a really great pair of black patent leather cole haan loafers that i really liked. they retail for $125 but marshall's was selling them for $70. so should i buy them? i want to. but guess what, i can't go around just buying $70 shoes. not until school starts again. grrr. so if they have them at the end of september, i'll get to have them and if they don't have them, i'll know that god really does hate me. (currently, i usually just think that god just doesn't pay enough attention to me because he's so busy with other stuff. if this happens, i might really believe it's true that he actually HATES me. most of this is just a general unwillingness take responsiblity for my own failure to put back more money for the summer. i don't really think about god anyway.) also, the psychiatrist is making me go see someone about my anger. i just kind of stay angry these days. i'm not unpleasant to be around or anything, i just constantly feel like the next stupid thing someone says or does is going to make me start throwing things and screaming and yelling in a rage. she says i clearly need to figure out where the anger is coming from. but i don't want to talk about it, even though i know what it is. 2007-08-19 11:50 a.m. imagine how angry i was when mittens told me he doesn't want to go to the museum with me because he doesn't want to run into this girl he had drama with 20 years ago. 2007-08-18 11:48 a.m. so i'm off the antivert and at a lower dose of the lamicatal. the only think now is that i constantly feel like i'm going to break out in a violent rage at every little thing. i have a doctor appointment in two hours. i nearly threw my phone when i couldn't get through to find out at what time my appointment was. 2007-08-18 previous - next diaryland