I'm feeling really hopeless about school. I've lost my edge, and can't keep up with everyone else. I'm working so slowly and with care so I do things correctly, but how can I do it?
Monday, Oct. 15, 2012
I'm pretty sure I'm not smart enough to have the career I want to have.
Monday, Sept. 24, 2012
Fuck I hate my job. I am stuck working on a project that I am not good at. I have asked for help, but my boss is too busy doing other things. So I continue to be stuck.
I might just stop coming to work.
And fuck that bitch my boss loves. Every one of them.
Monday, Sept. 10, 2012
I can't stop thinking about how I am finally, FINALLY, on my way to graduating. I remember asking myself 10 years ago, "I wonder if I'll still be acting a fool on the internet when I am getting my doctorate?" And sure enough, I'm still acting a fool. Which means I've been acting a fool on the internet for nearly 15 years.
I still question their judgement about whether or not I should be a doctor. At this point, unless I start putting out some really quality work, I'm not sure my adviser would support it, though I think the rest of my committee things I"m on my way.
When I spoke to my mom last week, such a good visit, I told her how proud I should be of everything I've done. I've met my family planning goals; am on my way to a good career, and the credentials I want; I am in good physical condition, normative/excellent physical condition for a within-subject design, and about 70% cumulative. I should feel good about myself. I ran a god damned marathon. I moved away to the BIIIIIIGGGG CCCCIIITTTYYY!!!.
And yet here I am. I feel alone, and inexperienced in life, and without understanding anything. Other people seem like assholes, but there are so many of them, the problem must be me. How is it with all of the things I've done, I want to be in my bed, with the lights off, under my blanket, and with my cat Huckleberry. How can I not want to be out there letting people know all of done? As always, it doesn't make sense.
Welcome to Angstville.
Monday, Sept. 10, 2012
I'd like to add Portland, Maine. And if I ever decide to get married I'll go to Atlanta to find a husband. For obvious reasons.
I need to get this tattoo covered. I hate people telling me how much they love it. In fact, I hate when people talk to me about anything other than work.
My right hand and right heel hurt. Please explain.
Thursday, Sept. 06, 2012
My boss is constantly giving people things to do that they aren't good at. And not giving people things they are good at. I have been working on this paper for two years now. TWO YEARS. It could have been done by someone in two weeks. He has decided to take it over for me. So now I am working on taking over the second paper. My plan is to give him a draft, and let him take it over as well. Is that wrong?
I hate coming to work. It takes me a week to write two paragraphs. Just because.
Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2012
I love oklahoma city, but I 100% for sure am ready to get out of here. I've got a list going of cities I'd like to see:
I'm thinking I'd like to live a lot of different places. To move every few years, and then when I get tired of the place, and the job, and the boyfriend, move on.
I'm thinking a lot about losing this extra 10 lbs., and remembering the last time I was down where I like to be the person telling me that I was losing my shape. Evidently Kanye is trying to get Kim lose some weight, so I doubt he'd be disappointed if I lost 10 lbs.
And wondering how I became this person...
Tuesday, Sept. 04, 2012
when cuddy was here last time, his scarf somehow ended up out and about. and when he went to take a shower, i put it around my neck. right before he left, I put it around my neck. he didn't notice at first, but then when we stood up and i walked him to the door he said, "you got my scarf on?" i just shook my head and smiled. then he asked me if i wanted it and i just shook my head and smiled some more. now it's wrapped around the lap i turn off at night and i wrote to him in an email, "...that way i'll think of you when i shut that lamp to go to sleep. and soon it will be dark when i wake up, and i'll think of you when i turn on the lamp in the morning."
Friday, Aug. 07, 2009
a couple of teachers of mine took me up to the school where i'll be teaching. they are super supportive of public schools and me. they've been really vocal about their attitudes and philosophies without being pushy. the woman, susan, is like me about teacher stuff--she hates it. she hates that inspirational books and movies about teachers and shit about how amazing kids are. thank god i'm not alone. her husband, bill, just really cares about me and making sure i am prepared and have everything i need when i start. they are both such strong supporters of public school, it's great to know people who feel the same way i do.
so they were kind enough to give me a bunch of supplies (pencils, scissors, etc.) and we went to the school where i'll be working. the school is fucking beautiful. it was built as part of the works progress administration and it has all kinds of art deco details of that era. what is most amazing is the brick work. bricks going every different direction and bricks with all sorts of stuff in them. i am astounded by it.
Friday, Jul. 24, 2009
the other night i was out with cindy, her crush whose name i can't remember and her other friend who is about to move to las vegas. we all came back to my house just to get out of the noise of the bar. a few minutes after we got there, cindy got a call from a fella who called himself a-money. cindy didn't know who he was, so she handed the phone to me to deal with him. so i asked him what was up and he said he had that number in the phone and didn't know whose it was. i told him, "this is cindy's phone. why?" he said, "oh, i was just callin' around to see if there was anyone who wanted to make some money tonight." so i said, "oh, you want to talk to cindy," and passed the phone back to her.
Wednesday, Jul. 22, 2009
i'm going to edna's tonight with cindy and her friend who's name i don't know. she's said it to me a million times, but i never can remember it. i'm worried i'm going to get there and she's not going to say it.
also, if we don't sit outside, i'm going to ride my ass home and have a coffee with blueberry vodka. that is my current drink of choice.
Saturday, Jul. 18, 2009
derek is the child of tammy and alicia. he's not actually either of theirs, but they raise him. his family didn't speak to him when he was young. like, from the time he was born until he was four. when alicia and tammy took custody of him, he had practically no language. his speech lacked articulation and was disorganized.
i babysat last night for derek and victoria. derek and i watched spongebob for five hours (an easy feat for me!). there were times when i couldn't understand what derek was saying and when i told him that, he stopped and really thought about how he needed to say something. it was so moving the way he would think really hard and the way he was trying so hard to use his best language skills.
he also told me i was going to have a baby when i was 16. i told him i was way beyond 16.
Saturday, Jul. 18, 2009
i think i have a date tonight, but i'm not really sure. he said we should go out tonight, but then when i asked him what time, he never answered? wtf?
Thursday, Jul. 16, 2009
feeling sort of down today. i went for a walk with an okay guy last night, but he didn't make me laugh the way mittens always did. coming back here wasn't a mistake, but it's been hard.
Tuesday, Jul. 14, 2009
i had a job that i really, really loved. then when i lost it everything turned into a mess. and i felt really misunderstood and alone.
Monday, Jul. 13, 2009
well, here i am, back in oklahoma city. it's hot as all fuck, seriously, it's 103 with a heat index of 106. yesterday, the heat index got up to 109. i've been trying to wake up early so i can get out before it gets to hot, but even by the time i get home it's in the mid-90s. and that wind, it just feels like a hot blow dryer in your face. i didn't make that up, the weather man said it this morning.
i've been on two dates so far. the first i didn't really like, but he keeps calling me. all he talked about the whole time was how much he likes going out with white girls. like, why would you talk about that the whole time? i get it, you are out with a white girl and you like white girls, but i don't need to hear it the whole time. it just made me feel really generic.
the second i really liked, but he seems pretty lukewarm about me. incredibly nice and very much my type. he says i'm beautiful, but i think he doesn't know what to make of my brilliant personality. suxor. anyway, i guess i'm supposed to go out with another guy later this week. whatever.
the apartment is pretty much finished save for two curtains that need to be finished and hung. The bedroom is huge, like, bigger than the living room. i love, love, love the neighborhood. lots of people sitting out on porches, lots of people riding their bikes to get where they are going. lots of hippies, too. like, people with dreadlocks and beards and shit. and there is actually a store down the street called, "the hippie store." on a great note, there is a farmer's market a couple of blocks up that is open tuesdays. i can't wait to get my ass over there.
so aside from having no job, very little money and no man, i'm happy as a clam. i'm feeling a little better today about my body since i've been running and NOT eating fast food twice a day for a week.
Saturday, Jul. 11, 2009
no apartment yet, no job yet. i'm starting to get somewhat nervous since my car isn't work. again. it will be fine. i'm moving home. home. where i will be connected to people and where there will be energy between me and the people i know, because we know things together.
i spoke to someone about the paseo last week and i felt connected as soon as he said he'd just been there. it was like a hug from someone i really love. it all just makes so much sense.
Sunday, May. 31, 2009
we went to the nursing home last weekend to visit mittens' grandma. i don't like going there anyway since i don't like old people, but when we got inside, i walked right over to the desk and got the little slip of paper with the codes to get in the elevators and out of the building*.
then this old lady says to us, "don't you think you should wait for the receptionist?" at first i wasn't going to say anything. then i said, "we have the slip of paper." then the old lady started calling to the receptionist that people were going in without talking to her. we walked over to her and i said we had the slip of paper and she said okay. then mittens says for everyone to hear, "it's not like we're with al-queda."
* i haven't quiet figured out how the piece of paper works to keep the old people in the nursing home when just anyone can take it and push the buttons. i think they think that if the old person is functional enough to get the paper and push the buttons, it's not too bad if they get out. but it would be bad if one of the people who can't read a paper and push some buttons could. i guess.
Saturday, May. 16, 2009
i found out saturday that mario died. i've been crying and crying and crying about it. i think i'm so sad because i knew it was going to happen. or maybe it's because i haven't lost someone so close in such a long time. or because i haven't taken the time to feel sad about the people i'm not close to who i've lost.
i'm going to try to make a trip out to the cemetary this week. it's very sad to me and i don't feel like i have anybody to talk to. i'm ready to move back home.
Monday, May. 11, 2009
this morning i saw a squarell that had almost no tail. it just had a little tail that had almost no fur. it was strange.
work is overwhelming. relationship is overwhelming. life is overwhelming. i'm ready to move away from it all.
oh, what i wouldn't give to be outside getting some sun right now.
Wednesday, Apr. 29, 2009
oh good. the temperature was dropped two degrees. it sucks that the sun goes down right in front of our house.
Sunday, Apr. 26, 2009
was i complaining a few days ago about how cold it was? because it's fucking hot here now. 84 degrees. we haven't put in the air conditioners either. what the fuck kind of weather is this in massachusetts in april? really.
i'm going to walk over and get an iced coffee.
Sunday, Apr. 26, 2009
i solved the mystery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, Apr. 23, 2009
something happened to our dvr. last night mittens recorded two episodes of mythbusters. one of them was 600 minutes and the other was like, 584 minutes. it was so weird but we deleted them. but here's something even stranger - all of his cooking shows are gone. just now, we were going to watch some, but they weren't there.
mittens thinks i've deleted them and every time he says it, i just laugh and laugh and laugh because the whole thing is so funny to me. like, why on earth would i delete his cooking shows? i want him to be a good cook. the whole thing is so funny.
also, i told him how sad i am to be taking the cats away from him. he said, "don't think of it as taking them away, think of it as i'm losing your horrible cooking."
Thursday, Apr. 23, 2009
of course this happened to me. i guess while i was out enjoying the beautiful weather, the bugs were enjoying me. i woke up yesterday morning with 18, 18 bug bites on my left foot. oh how the itch.
Sunday, Apr. 19, 2009
spring might finally be here. yesterday it finally made it into the 70s, though the high today is only 60. we were able to cook on the grill and i road my bike 13 miles and ran three and a half. today i'll also run and then go to the gym to lift weights.
mittens and i are having intense conversations about moving. it's only a little more than two months. i'm anxious and excited and don't feel like i have my shit enough in order. i will by then, though.
Saturday, Apr. 18, 2009
have you seen those dancing ads for online career classes? i can't really figure out why they are dancing.
mittens and i went to dinner last night. we had a good time and i laughed so loud when he hid mints in his hands and had me guess which hand. he told me i was being too loud, which i always am when i've had a too strong drink.
we hug a lot now. and when we do, it feels so comfortable and sad and close.
so my goal is to get back to writing here again. my home computer has been down for some time because i haven't got a power cord for it and the battery is completely dead. since i'm trying to save all my money to move and i can use my work computer, i don't really need to buy a cord right away. plus, i just paid $70 for a hair cut and i'm about to buy padded sports bras since i have no boobs now. (booooo!)
everything feels like such a mess right now. i'm feeling so down on myself and even more alone and disconnected as i'm starting to wrap up everything i've set in place. i remember thinking i was somewhere permanent, with a job i would have for a long time and a house that was ours and the man i would get old with.
he said to me a couple of nights ago, "i realized i've written horrible things about my relationships with women." and i said, "remember that time i told you to write a song about the cats and you asked me if i was upset that you'd never written about me?" and he said yes and i told him i didn't want him to write a horrible song about me, "because i didn't think we were like that." and he agreed that we aren't.
even though i feel sad, i feel excited, too. i'm excited to get back to my neil young life where i sit outside and drink and laugh with people who know me and who i don't need to explain things to because they know everything from my issues with men to my issues with myself. so it's going to be really great to sit back and relax and feel like the people who are with me even with all my flaws and fucked up misconceptions about other people and the world. and it will feel even better because i won't have to worry about what they'll say and do when i tell them, because they were always there to experience it with me. and they've stuck around, which is more than i can say about anyone i've met here.
now that it's warm outside, i've been running outdoors. it's been really awesome, but still too cool to ride my bike anywhere. the good news is that i've lost a few more pounds and am having to take in my clothes a little more. i'm easily into a small now which is such a change from when i was in a xxl. i've got abs, though because of the extra skin around my stomach, i'll never look great in a swimsuit. the girl at my nail shop told me i should loose about 10 more lbs a few weeks ago and i've lost six of that since she said that. which means at this point, i've lost 98.5 lbs since i met mittens. and about 85 since i moved up here from maryland. however, when i moved to maryland, i gained and lost and ended up gaining about 15 when i moved up here.
that's hard for me, knowing that i look so great when i'm dressed, but that the second i take my clothes off, i think i look like a monster. oh, my boobs are pretty much gone now, so much so that i'm going out to buy padded sports bras. i wear such heavily padded bras now that i feel like i'm lying to the world.
so, all of those things said, i'm definitely not looking forward to being single again, though i'm definitely looking forward to feeling like i don't have anyone to report to or be responsible to, and i know mittens is feeling the same. i just feel so lucky to have him now and to have known him and to have had a functional relationship with good dynamics where we can about and support each other. i don't think i'll ever meet anyone who is as wonderful as he is and who cares about me as much as he does.
oh, so mittens just asked me if i was taking something when i move. so i guess he does believe me. and so it goes.
i'm scared now. i really do love him so much. i still really feel like he's my partner and it's going to be sad not to have him there at the end of each day.
i'm really thankful to him right now, though. because he's being so decent and warm. but i worry about how he will be as time goes by.
i told mittens last weekend that i'm going to move back to oklahoma. i don't think he believes that i will. i need to get out of here before i lose my mind. i'm so lonely and i feel so misunderstood. losing my job was so hard and i haven't been able to find anything to replace it.
we're supposed to get another week of snow. more fucking snow.
i'm not sure how i'm going to get the money to get back, but i will. as it is, i'll be staying in oklahoma for at least the month of july and the possibly head to nashville for a while.
so i did it! i had my most recent assessment and have managed to get my body fat percent down to 24.5% which was where i wanted to be at this point. so i want to lose about six or seven more pounds. i've also lost another half inch off my hips and my stomach now looks flat. plus, i just feel really, really, really awesome. i don't have more energy or anything, but i feel good about myself
i need to get my hair cut this week, but i'm waiting to find out how much it's going to be to fix my car (this time). i love my car so much, so the chances of me selling it are slim to none. imagine in 10 years when my 93 honda accord is a classic. everyone will be jealous and nobody will laugh at me then!
do you think this guy chris brown realizes yet that he is probably going to die? he is going to be fucked up.
oh, hi. my head is feeling better. the bruises are starting to heal. except the one on my head that is just now starting to show up.
here's something cool, though. after today i will have run 21 miles this week. i am awesome. and i've gotten my mile down to less than 9 minutes. i'm working on getting it down to 8 and a half minutes.
i really don't want to go back to work tomorrow.
so i was at the gym yesterday. i've been feeling pretty down lately and just wasn't feeling up to my normal 3 mile run. plus, i've added some interval training, so it's been especially hard. oh, so after about a mile and a half, i decided to stop. i pressed stop and then put my feet on those things on the sides. well, wouldn't you know it, the next thing i knew, i heard people all around me asking each other if i'd had a seizure (one of my great fears, even though i take an anti-seizure medication) or something. man, i totally felt like i was waking up from the greatest nap of all time.
i guess i'd fallen down or something, because my head felt a little sore. they took me to to hospital where i had a really hot doctor and a really hot nurse (both white, : ( ) who said i had a concussion. can you believe those assholes?
anyway, i'm all banged up and sore now. i'm not supposed to exercise for a few days which is just no good. uh, also, they gave me so stuff for the headache i'm supposed to have. i actually don't have one, but it has a pretty good sedative in it, so i'm going to keep taking it for a while.
i was friends with someone. then they said something i didn't think they would say. we were friends because i didn't think they would say something like that.