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9:16 a.m.
you know, i was okay with turning 30. no really, i was. i didn't think much about it. but at some point last year, i turned 31 and i'm having a very difficult time with it. i've always found being youthful one of my better qualities and now i don't have it. i've noticed my face, when i smile, doesn't spring back the way it used to. uhhhh.

8:24 a.m.
it's so fucking snowy here. they canceled school on friday and now they've canceled it for today and tomorrow. wednesday starts the winter break, so i'm off until january 5th.

also, the air here is so fucking dry. my sinuses burn even with the humidifier going all night.

my car hasn't worked since october. it's a pain in the ass!

8:06 a.m.
so. what's up? i've got all kinds of stuff going on that i still can't talk about. i will be able to soon enough. and i'll catch everything up.

it needs to stop snowing already.

10:18 a.m.
last night i heard barak obama talk. it was so refreshing. he was so calm and cool and not like george bush at all.

8:20 p.m.
i found out the person they hired to replace me at the old job quit because of the amount of work and effort it was.

6:34 p.m.
i'm dying to get a tshirt for the new okc basketball team. i want to get a tshirt but i haven't got the money. booooo.

11:16 a.m.
i watch celebrity rehab. and i can't stop thinking about rodney king. i think about the other people and how they all wanted to be famous, but he didn't want to be. he was forced into all that he experienced. and i think about the pressure he must have felt being the center of everything that happened. i wonder if he ever talked to anyone about what it might be like. i wonder if he had the self-awareness to know he felt pressure. if i met him, i would try to be kind to him and patient with him and try to understand all of his problems.

i'll take a nap now.

7:53 p.m.
boyfriend hasn't had a job in 9 months. and now he's complaining about having took cook dinner and that he's been doing so much cooking lately.

8:12 p.m.
i have some sort of lump on my chest, right where my heart should be. but don't worry, my boobs are pretty low, so it's actually on my left pectoral. it's hard. and when i squeeze it, it hurts. and when i feel my heart, there's no beat.

i went to the gym. my body fat is down to 23.7%. my goal is 22.5%. i'm close to there. just a few more weeks.

mike, i got your message. i'm not ignoring you or anything.

i need to start updating this again. but what's there to say. my life has no meaning and thus, no value. which should not be mistaken for the fact that i have no values. but presently, my life has no value.

my car won't start. i've got no money to fix it. i don't know why i even have it at this point. i'm fine on the bike until snow or ice.

10:49 a.m.
i am obsessed with kyle weaver from the okc thunder!

11:34 a.m.
i'm actually going for tampa bay since they are the better looking team.

i discovered i have $100 extra. that's awesome since i thought i had about $30 to last me about the next 13 days.

i'm still miserable. me and jessica alba. we walk around looking mean and angry. because that's what we are. mean and angry.

7:29 p.m.
hey fuck you world. fuck you and all the poeple in it. fuck you all.

6:07 p.m.
i'm sorry, but brad pitt is fucking hot.

9:49 p.m.
man, i vu kinb lo v d z cunkin donugx latte.

8:39 p.m.
every night after i get drunk, i like to smoke some grass. then i usually send soe time emiling boyfriedm with the most inapproirpirate things.

8:29 p.m.
did i ever mention how much i love jack white? he's totally the one for me.

10:04 p.m.
fuck all men. you're all about talking and talking and talking and not fucking and fucking and fucking. fuck all you men.

9:09 a.m.
fuck you. fuck you all. fuck the world.

i just got an email saying there is an opening at cts. i fucking wanted to work there. i don't want to work where i am. i want to work with all the kids. i loved them.

7:56 p.m.
so i've got some serious problems going on.

8:52 p.m.
boyfriend just tired to tell me i shouldn't drink every day. fuck you boyfriend!!!

7:41 p.m.
okay, clearly i don't get my nails done in the 'hood anymore because when i went to the nail place over in wakefield and asked the girl for a french manicure with black tips, she looked like i was out of my mind. but do you know what? she fucking did it and it looks awesome.

i also bought about $400+ in shoes for $115. because i found the clearance room in dsw. damn, if only i'd known they have a clearance room.

8:44 a.m.
i'm trying to make an illustration of a fox. but i'm having a hard time making it read fox and not rat. but ever so slowly, i'm getting there.

6:36 p.m.
i am completely fucking miserable.

6:43 p.m.
you fucking men are all the same!

9:39 p.m.
i am trying to sabotage every single thing in my life right now. anyone want to help?

10:12 p.m.
i got a job. if you are an asshole and thought i wouldn't get one, you are owned.

9:00 p.m.
tomorrow i'm going to have to say goodbye to my students. i'm never going to see them again.

12:50 p.m.
well, i've had two interviews with the same school and they want me to come back on tuesday. they are in a hurry to get me. because they can feel my awesomeness.

3:34 p.m.
my new plan for when parents don't shut their kids up is to tell the kid that there is no santa claus right in front of the parents.

9:54 p.m.
oh no!!! benicio del toro is hooking it up with someone who isn't me. and guess who the cunt is! catherine keener who i actually adore and love. i wish benicio the best of luck and hope we can maintain our friendship. i hope you will respect my wishes to keep this very personal time private.

8:43 p.m.
this is from an email with my dad. it's just a quick update on how things are going:

"Correction-I have three interviews coming up. One is tomorrow, one is next Wednesday and one place wants me to call to schedule with them. I just really hope I can find one I like. I will fill you in as interviews happen.

"Here's the background on the school where I'm interviewing tomorrow because it's kind of a funny story. I sent a resume last week after seeing a posting on for a special education teacher for an alternative charter school for middle grades. I was really interested in the position and was excited to hear back. After I heard back, I took a few more minutes to look at the website and I was so impressed with the faculty. All of the teachers have a minimum of a Master's degree and many of them served as part of Teach for America (kind of like the Peace Corps for teaching in the US) or the Peace Corps or had experience teaching overseas.

"I called the guy today for the phone interview and told him how taken aback and honored that he would consider me for their team. We started the interview and his first question was about what kind of teacher I see myself as being. I hate that question because it's so hard to sound sincere when answering a question so broad. So I asked him to clarify and he asked me just to tell him about my teaching. So I answered the question and after a few minutes, he cut me off and said, 'You know what, I listen to people talk about this on the phone all day.' I thought for sure he was going to tell me he wasn't interested, but instead he said, 'I can tell when someone really knows what they are talking about. I think we should just do a face to face.' So now I'm going in tomorrow. I'm really excited because the position sounded so great in the ad.

"I'll definitely keep you filled in. Here's a link to the school for tomorrow: and the one for next week is here:

"The second one is more the direction I'd like to go in, but the one I'm interviewing with tomorrow is such an opportunity. To be included with people of that caliber would really validate how I feel about myself as a teacher and I feel like there is so much to learn from them.

"The third interview is with a public school district about 20 minutes down the road that is looking for a teacher for their alternative school program. I'll be calling them in the morning."

so that's what's going on. don't even try to hate on me.

8:46 a.m.
so I have a phone interview this week. what a relief. it doesn't pay well at all, but at least it would be something. I will keep mailing out resumes.

9:28 p.m.
so i'm being indirectly fired. my contract is not being renewed because my license is from maryland. that suddenly became an issue about four weeks ago. my job is posted and it initially said, "ma license preferred," but has been changed. so effective 8/15, i have no job.

i can't fucking believe it. i just can't believe it. i've put so much work into that place and now i'm being fired.

i've been sending out resumes and i'm sure i'll find something, but in two weeks, i'm out. i can't talk about it.

10:00 p.m.
things are bad.

9:27 p.m.
man, did i ever get rained on this afternoon. it was just sprinkling at first, but by the time i got back to the house, it was pouring.

my dad called me friday night to check on me and make sure everything was okay. that means a lot to me. my dad doesn't really do that sort of thing, so i know he must really care about me and have been thinking about me.

at this point, i'm no where near finding a job. uhg.

9:45 p.m.
so since december, i've driven less than 2000 miles. since mid-may, i've driven not even 250. i also haven't put gas in my car since may.

then last night i had to drive to the gym because of the rain. i knew i needed to get gas before i took any big trips (read: trips that are more than 15 miles), but i figured i would be fine going half a mile up the road and back. well, i came out of the gym and my car wouldn't start. i had run out of gas. i had to walk down to the gas station in the rain and get some gas.

also, i got dinner at the "healthy" restaurant next door to the gym. when i got up this morning, i spent so much time on the toilet that i had to drive to the station to make it there in time for my train. when i got there, i learned that the train was going to be 15 minutes late. i could have ridden my bike after all.

oooh, i still fucking hate derek jeter. asshole.

7:04 p.m.
so my agency has a position for an hiv education/sex ed teacher. i was encouraged by the girl who is leaving the position to apply. i will do so tomorrow.

5:31 p.m.
christian bale is gorgeous.

8:17 p.m.
according to my calculations, i've been spending not less than an hour and a half thinking about sex everyday.

3:33 p.m.
i'd like to buy a smart car in a couple of years.

2:42 p.m.
i can't stop thinking of the kowloon walled city.

i hope i passed that licensure exam yesterday. i know i did outstanding on the written questions. one of the questions was that you have to make a garden with an area of 36 square units. you had to figure out how many rectangular gardens you can make using whole numbers. then, you had to identify the perimeters of the gardens. that was the easy stuff. you had to identify two skills the student has to know to solve the problem (i said he needs to be able to factor a whole number to identify the possible lengths and widths of the gardens and that he needs to be able to calculate perimeter and area) and two concepts the student needs to know to do the problem (i said he needs to understand that area refers to the space inside a shape and that because it is a two dimensional shape it must be measured in square units and that numbers have many factors). last, you had to do a t.a. explaining to a student how to do the problem.

the other written question was to identify the theme of a short passage and give supporting evidence of the theme. that was a breeze because i am very good at writing about literature.

i feel really good about the math and science portions of the test and decent about the english section and down right nervous about the history part. every answer i came up with on the history part was c or d. i don't think i chose a or b on any of them. i used my best test taking skills, so i hope it was enough.

it was also way too hot in the room. i'm going to call the company on monday and let them know.

the good news is that i was able to get $60 in vouchers for the next test which i will take in september. i had to take two pilot tests which were about 45 minutes each. i was glad to have taken one of the pilots before my test because it gave me a chance to get my brain going. i always do the written portion of the test first because i won't have the energy to do it last.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

i've got to see that batman movie.

9:40 p.m.
man, you wouldn't believe the crush i have on joel mchale.

9:57 p.m.
i got my jem season two part one dvds in the mail a couple of days ago. it's AWESOME!!! right now it's an episode about kimber's diary being stolen and published in a magazine. it's kind of moving. it almost makes me want to stop reading all the rags every week. man, that's not going to happen.

9:14 p.m.
i've gotten three flat tires in five days! wtf? gloves just had to come get me so i wouldn't have to walk 5 miles home. mittens is taking my rim in tomorrow to have it checked out and to have a pro put a new tire on. this suxors! it means i have to drive to the train station in the morning and contribute to global warming and pollution. lord knows i'm not leaving the house at 5 am to walk over there. uh, also my feet hurt from the mile and a half i walked waiting to hear from gloves.

it was really nice of him to come get me, by the way, and i take back 2/3rds of the bad things i've thought about him.

i miss my dad. i'll email him tomorrow. i wish i could visit him and see him and talk to him. i emailed him about the job situation and he's been really supportive. i should follow up with him and let him know where everything stands. and besides, things are looking up on that front. i just need to get my ass going on things. i'd been planning on working on it tonight but was out for an extra half hour dealing with that tire.

and i got an email from tammy. i was just thinking of her and so sad that i didn't have a current email address since my computer died. this is wonderful news!

jobeth, i need some advise. please answer your phone tomorrow.

i bought a bike helmet finally. i had to buy a child's size because i have a small head. i also bought a new, less cumbersome thermos.

10:02 p.m.
we were sitting outside and the landlord's kid came out. he's five and small. mittens noticed some time ago that he seems preoccupied with blood. when he came out, he had a book he'd made full of pictures of bloody spiders.

6:40 p.m.
i've gotten three flat bike tires in the past month. two in the last three days! god probably still hates me. anyway, i went down to the target (drove) to get a patch kit, but they were out. i decided i should check out the ski shop across the street. and sure enough, during the summer that place is a bike shop! so i've got a few extra tires.

every time i try to change a tire, it ends up all caddywampus and i have to go back and fix it all again. same this time. how long until i get another one.

one of my students told me i looked better when i was fat. he also told me i should straighten my hair, bleach it blond, get a dark tan and get contacts. whatever that means.

6:37 p.m.
to a particular family member. i love making you miserable.

9:37 a.m.
i'm losing my job. or rather, i've lost it as 8/15 @ 3:00.

i love my job. it's who i am. i can't talk to people about anything else. i'm nobody to anybody unless i'm doing that job.

6:55 p.m.
i got a notice in the mail that my contract wasn't being renewed for the fall due to my out of state teaching license.

i spoke to my boss who accidentally told me that under the new state contract 95% of the DYS teachers need to be licensed in massachusetts. she then corrected herself and said that all DYS teachers need to have massachusetts licensure.

i'm being fired.

these people are out of their minds.

8:23 p.m.
i'm probably out of a job effective august 15th @ 3:00.

6:32 p.m.
earlier this week i went to joann fabrics to get some fabric for curtains for our upstairs tv room. i bought this great better home and garden country themed fabric that mittens an i both liked. so i decided i would do that this weekend. then, i decided i would cover the old couch upstairs also. it looks like a completely different room now. the curtains turned out great and our couch is so much more comfortable. we just need a blue rug for in here and we'll be all set.

9:50 a.m.
well! last night i was accused to trying to steal a box of staples from the lowes! what a bunch of assholes.

10:07 a.m.
you many not believe this, but i am not hot. i know, it's shocking and disappointing, but it's true. i was fortunate to be born with an attractive face, but i'm one of those people you can tell is pretty shy and i'm short and just not hot. so it was surprising to me when a man tried to talk to me the other day as i was getting a drink of water.

okay, it wasn't a surprise that a man would want to talk to me. i mean, the city workers always stare as do all of the bikers at the honey-do stare at me as do the guys hanging out on the corner in dorchester. and often they try to talk to me, but it's usually like, "hey baby/mama/shorty." so i was surprised by this guy, victor, at his m.o.

you see, i was at the water fountain, filling up my water bottle. all of a sudden, he rides up and starts asking me if i think the water is safe. i told him i hadn't gotten sick on it yet, so i thought it was. then he started about how great it was to ride there. he said he didn't like to ride in the street, so he usually rides on the side walk or grass and to check out his hew bike he got at a pawn shop.

when he said that, i just kind of thought he was weird. then we started to talk about other places to ride. we talked about deer island and how that was pretty good. after that, i found a good place to politely escape the conversation. i was relieved. except he introduced himself and asked me my name. i told him and he told me he would see me around later. that's when i realized i was in trouble. when i got home i told mittens that i need him to make an appearance with me one evening. i've also gone back to wearing a ring.

now the whole thing was fine, except as usual, the guy met most of the criteria for me not to find him attractive:

1. he had one of those awful tribal tattoos around his arm. that's a major no.

2. speaking of arms, he had one of those shirts with the arms cut off. i hate that, too.

3. he also had soft arms, and i'm not about soft arms. i like shapely arms. not soft arms.

all he needed to do was tuck in his shirt and put his keys on a clip and we'd have been all set on the other things. so whatever. he wasn't for me.

which is fine because mittens is the one for me. and because his friend who i have a crush on told mittens how great i look and mittens thought that wasn't very appropriate.

6:43 p.m.
so i'm applying for positions in the six school districts on the two train lines than run near our house. but i also applied for two research positions. one is for a research assistant at an ed research company that looks awesome. the other is for a research associate at planned parenthood. please, everyone, keep your fingers crossed for me. i need to get out of my job pronto.

10:49 p.m.
so i'm so fucking miserable with my boss that i resumed looking for jobs today. i looked at the website of the town that is literally 50 feet from my door, but not the same city i live in. and would you believe those cocksuckers? they want a 4000 word essay. i'm not writing a fucking essay. i went to a top university, have a masters degree from that university and have a teaching credential with another on the way. who do those assholes think they are asking me to write an essay? and why the fuck would i really want to teach in a school where they doubt my madd skills?

so anyway, there's a behavior disorder positions in elementary and high schools in the town i live in outside of boston. i'd kind of dig that sort of thing. the town i live in isn't hoity-toity and i think would be great for me.

i think i'm really looking for something that will be long term with little opportunity for advancement. i really, really, really want to be a teacher. just a teacher. i want to teach my kids and get them through school. man, i'd really like to get this job. i fucking hate my boss. and i hate my hour and a half commute and i hate all the stress of my job.

i'd like to have a teaching job in a small community where i can work with families and have my students for a long time. please god, please, let me get this job.

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