guestbook 10:06 AM so the thing on my face, right. it's been hurting lately and i haven't been able to wear my glasses. then this morning i was putting on my anti-wrinkle cream and looked up and blood was pouring out of it. gross. like, POURING. now i have a bandaid on it. it doesn't hurt as much and at least i can wear my glasses now. lots of blood and goo for me lately. Monday, Jun. 08, 2009 12:56 PM oh, by the way, i got an apartment! i love it. Friday, Jun. 05, 2009 12:10 PM so my bartholin's gland is all drained (again) and has a catheter (again). the doctor says that if this continues, they will remove it. we spoke for a minute about how my body has changed and is so different now. She was kind enough to remind me that i'm "not 17 anymore." fuck. thanks, lady. also, upon seeing it, she said, "oh yeah, that's a juicy one." gross. she did tell me that if it happens again, they're going to just remove the gland. when i asked her why it happens, she just said, "you just have a small duct, it's just the way your body is." frigg! i take good care of my body, well, save for the fact that i smoke a couple of packs a week, smoke grass regularly and drink heavily on a pretty regular basis. otherwise, i'm a pretty healthy person. so what gives? my body fucking hates me, that's what gives. Friday, Jun. 05, 2009 8:19 PM are you fucking kidding me?! i'm having that cyst problem again. seriously?! this is a joke. why the fuck can't i get normal health stuff? Thursday, Jun. 04, 2009 6:04 PM no apartment yet, no job yet. i'm starting to get somewhat nervous since my car isn't work. again. it will be fine. i'm moving home. home. where i will be connected to people and where there will be energy between me and the people i know, because we know things together. i spoke to someone about the paseo last week and i felt connected as soon as he said he'd just been there. it was like a hug from someone i really love. it all just makes so much sense. Sunday, May. 31, 2009 9:57 PM we went to the nursing home last weekend to visit mittens' grandma. i don't like going there anyway since i don't like old people, but when we got inside, i walked right over to the desk and got the little slip of paper with the codes to get in the elevators and out of the building*. then this old lady says to us, "don't you think you should wait for the receptionist?" at first i wasn't going to say anything. then i said, "we have the slip of paper." then the old lady started calling to the receptionist that people were going in without talking to her. we walked over to her and i said we had the slip of paper and she said okay. then mittens says for everyone to hear, "it's not like we're with al-queda." * i haven't quiet figured out how the piece of paper works to keep the old people in the nursing home when just anyone can take it and push the buttons. i think they think that if the old person is functional enough to get the paper and push the buttons, it's not too bad if they get out. but it would be bad if one of the people who can't read a paper and push some buttons could. i guess. Saturday, May. 16, 2009 1:03 PM i found out saturday that mario died. i've been crying and crying and crying about it. i think i'm so sad because i knew it was going to happen. or maybe it's because i haven't lost someone so close in such a long time. or because i haven't taken the time to feel sad about the people i'm not close to who i've lost. i'm going to try to make a trip out to the cemetary this week. it's very sad to me and i don't feel like i have anybody to talk to. i'm ready to move back home. Monday, May. 11, 2009 9:30 AM this morning i saw a squarell that had almost no tail. it just had a little tail that had almost no fur. it was strange. work is overwhelming. relationship is overwhelming. life is overwhelming. i'm ready to move away from it all. oh, what i wouldn't give to be outside getting some sun right now. Wednesday, Apr. 29, 2009 3:44 PM oh good. the temperature was dropped two degrees. it sucks that the sun goes down right in front of our house. Sunday, Apr. 26, 2009 3:41 PM was i complaining a few days ago about how cold it was? because it's fucking hot here now. 84 degrees. we haven't put in the air conditioners either. what the fuck kind of weather is this in massachusetts in april? really. i'm going to walk over and get an iced coffee. Sunday, Apr. 26, 2009 7:38 PM i solved the mystery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thursday, Apr. 23, 2009 7:19 PM something happened to our dvr. last night mittens recorded two episodes of mythbusters. one of them was 600 minutes and the other was like, 584 minutes. it was so weird but we deleted them. but here's something even stranger - all of his cooking shows are gone. just now, we were going to watch some, but they weren't there. mittens thinks i've deleted them and every time he says it, i just laugh and laugh and laugh because the whole thing is so funny to me. like, why on earth would i delete his cooking shows? i want him to be a good cook. the whole thing is so funny. also, i told him how sad i am to be taking the cats away from him. he said, "don't think of it as taking them away, think of it as i'm losing your horrible cooking." Thursday, Apr. 23, 2009 7:38 AM of course this happened to me. i guess while i was out enjoying the beautiful weather, the bugs were enjoying me. i woke up yesterday morning with 18, 18 bug bites on my left foot. oh how the itch. Sunday, Apr. 19, 2009 8:07 AM spring might finally be here. yesterday it finally made it into the 70s, though the high today is only 60. we were able to cook on the grill and i road my bike 13 miles and ran three and a half. today i'll also run and then go to the gym to lift weights. mittens and i are having intense conversations about moving. it's only a little more than two months. i'm anxious and excited and don't feel like i have my shit enough in order. i will by then, though. Saturday, Apr. 18, 2009 6:54 a.m. have you seen those dancing ads for online career classes? i can't really figure out why they are dancing. mittens and i went to dinner last night. we had a good time and i laughed so loud when he hid mints in his hands and had me guess which hand. he told me i was being too loud, which i always am when i've had a too strong drink. we hug a lot now. and when we do, it feels so comfortable and sad and close. 2009-04-11 7:03 a.m. so my goal is to get back to writing here again. my home computer has been down for some time because i haven't got a power cord for it and the battery is completely dead. since i'm trying to save all my money to move and i can use my work computer, i don't really need to buy a cord right away. plus, i just paid $70 for a hair cut and i'm about to buy padded sports bras since i have no boobs now. (booooo!) everything feels like such a mess right now. i'm feeling so down on myself and even more alone and disconnected as i'm starting to wrap up everything i've set in place. i remember thinking i was somewhere permanent, with a job i would have for a long time and a house that was ours and the man i would get old with. he said to me a couple of nights ago, "i realized i've written horrible things about my relationships with women." and i said, "remember that time i told you to write a song about the cats and you asked me if i was upset that you'd never written about me?" and he said yes and i told him i didn't want him to write a horrible song about me, "because i didn't think we were like that." and he agreed that we aren't. even though i feel sad, i feel excited, too. i'm excited to get back to my neil young life where i sit outside and drink and laugh with people who know me and who i don't need to explain things to because they know everything from my issues with men to my issues with myself. so it's going to be really great to sit back and relax and feel like the people who are with me even with all my flaws and fucked up misconceptions about other people and the world. and it will feel even better because i won't have to worry about what they'll say and do when i tell them, because they were always there to experience it with me. and they've stuck around, which is more than i can say about anyone i've met here. now that it's warm outside, i've been running outdoors. it's been really awesome, but still too cool to ride my bike anywhere. the good news is that i've lost a few more pounds and am having to take in my clothes a little more. i'm easily into a small now which is such a change from when i was in a xxl. i've got abs, though because of the extra skin around my stomach, i'll never look great in a swimsuit. the girl at my nail shop told me i should loose about 10 more lbs a few weeks ago and i've lost six of that since she said that. which means at this point, i've lost 98.5 lbs since i met mittens. and about 85 since i moved up here from maryland. however, when i moved to maryland, i gained and lost and ended up gaining about 15 when i moved up here. that's hard for me, knowing that i look so great when i'm dressed, but that the second i take my clothes off, i think i look like a monster. oh, my boobs are pretty much gone now, so much so that i'm going out to buy padded sports bras. i wear such heavily padded bras now that i feel like i'm lying to the world. so, all of those things said, i'm definitely not looking forward to being single again, though i'm definitely looking forward to feeling like i don't have anyone to report to or be responsible to, and i know mittens is feeling the same. i just feel so lucky to have him now and to have known him and to have had a functional relationship with good dynamics where we can about and support each other. i don't think i'll ever meet anyone who is as wonderful as he is and who cares about me as much as he does. 2009-04-10 8:30 a.m. oh, so mittens just asked me if i was taking something when i move. so i guess he does believe me. and so it goes. i'm scared now. i really do love him so much. i still really feel like he's my partner and it's going to be sad not to have him there at the end of each day. i'm really thankful to him right now, though. because he's being so decent and warm. but i worry about how he will be as time goes by. 2009-03-02 8:23 a.m. i told mittens last weekend that i'm going to move back to oklahoma. i don't think he believes that i will. i need to get out of here before i lose my mind. i'm so lonely and i feel so misunderstood. losing my job was so hard and i haven't been able to find anything to replace it. we're supposed to get another week of snow. more fucking snow. i'm not sure how i'm going to get the money to get back, but i will. as it is, i'll be staying in oklahoma for at least the month of july and the possibly head to nashville for a while. 2009-03-01 8:00 p.m. i'm sick with some sort of stomach thing. the tuna salad i had for lunch just didn't work right and after running only a mile and a half, i had to stop. i just feel all sorts of pukey and throw-upy. this is not unusual since i am off work this week and i always get sick during the weeks i'm off work. i'm hoping i just stayed in bed too long today and that my body is having some sort of weird thing going on. when i made that list of people i hate the other day, i left of #1--assface mr. holmes. this guy just doesn't get it. this guy is the reason i will never again work in a school where the teachers are not certified. really, this fucking first year teacher, who has no training as a teacher aside from doing after school tutoring, has recommended the following goals for kids on my caseload: 1. angel (who has a non-verbal learning disability that affects his ability to recall the shape of letters as he writing) will turn in assignments with all numbers written on the lines. (this was a 7th grade math goal.) 2. kassandra will complete all quizzes and tests without accommodations. and during an iep meeting, he said, "let's move on," during a heated discussion about a student's performance in his class. oh, and evidently he thinks i'm some sort of "homework helper." and he wants me to spend my time teaching the kids to do the work the way he wants it. asshole. if that way was working, they wouldn't be sitting with me in the morning so i can teach them the stuff before they go to your class so that if you decide to cold call on them, they will be prepared, even though you might demerit them since they didn't do the problem the way you wanted it done. you fucking cocksucking asshole, i am not there to train kids to follow these arbitrary steps that don't make sense anyway. i'm not your fucking teaching assistant who you can send kids to when you don't feel like dealing with them. and no, you can't send me kids who AREN'T on my caseload because they don't get it when you try to explain it. the problem isn't the kids, it's you. all of that said, i spent some time talking to the ell teacher who is actually not beyond talking to assface mr. holmes. she and i have similiar jobs, so we experience the same things with him. she had the best response to the whole thing. she said, "do you think he thinks he could turn a lesbian straight? do you think he's that arrogant of a white male?" and i said, "yeah, probably. i don't know. he probably thinks all the time i spend shooting darts at him i'm actually trying to flirt. gross." anyway, there's supposed to be a voodoo doll of him coming my way from the other sped teacher. i told her to make sure it has privates so i can fry them in oil. seriously, this is out of control with this asshole. 2009-02-17 10:40 a.m. so i did it! i had my most recent assessment and have managed to get my body fat percent down to 24.5% which was where i wanted to be at this point. so i want to lose about six or seven more pounds. i've also lost another half inch off my hips and my stomach now looks flat. plus, i just feel really, really, really awesome. i don't have more energy or anything, but i feel good about myself i need to get my hair cut this week, but i'm waiting to find out how much it's going to be to fix my car (this time). i love my car so much, so the chances of me selling it are slim to none. imagine in 10 years when my 93 honda accord is a classic. everyone will be jealous and nobody will laugh at me then! 2009-02-16 10:24 a.m. do you think this guy chris brown realizes yet that he is probably going to die? he is going to be fucked up. 2009-02-10 11:07 a.m. oh man! i'm totally going to do whatever i can to make the DEAN of STUDENTS insane! i told ms. long i would email her a list of people from my job who i hate. instead, i'm going to write it here. #1-h. p.-because she talks tooooooooo slow and i'm always pressed for time. #2. w.c.h.-i might tell him i thought the w.c. stood for water closet. #3. c.k. and k.l.-because they think the speds struggle because they aren't trying hard enough. #s.s-because she has that obnoxious loud laugh. that's about it. 2009-02-09 10:46 a.m. oh my fucking god. the people at my job are stupid. i have this student, serena, who has a traumatic brain injury. that means her brain is fucked up. so when i sent out the sheet asking what her goals should be for next school year i got the following: 1. "her handwriting is too large and very poor." 2. "serena struggles to stay engaged in class and needs to be prompted to participate or ask questions. she has trouble explaining where she struggles." of course she has trouble with those things you asshole. if you'd read the evaluations that took a combined 20 hours to complete and get to you, you would know that. 2009-01-14 8:49 a.m. oh, hi. my head is feeling better. the bruises are starting to heal. except the one on my head that is just now starting to show up. here's something cool, though. after today i will have run 21 miles this week. i am awesome. and i've gotten my mile down to less than 9 minutes. i'm working on getting it down to 8 and a half minutes. i really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. 2009-01-04 8:44 a.m. so i was at the gym yesterday. i've been feeling pretty down lately and just wasn't feeling up to my normal 3 mile run. plus, i've added some interval training, so it's been especially hard. oh, so after about a mile and a half, i decided to stop. i pressed stop and then put my feet on those things on the sides. well, wouldn't you know it, the next thing i knew, i heard people all around me asking each other if i'd had a seizure (one of my great fears, even though i take an anti-seizure medication) or something. man, i totally felt like i was waking up from the greatest nap of all time. i guess i'd fallen down or something, because my head felt a little sore. they took me to to hospital where i had a really hot doctor and a really hot nurse (both white, : ( ) who said i had a concussion. can you believe those assholes? anyway, i'm all banged up and sore now. i'm not supposed to exercise for a few days which is just no good. uh, also, they gave me so stuff for the headache i'm supposed to have. i actually don't have one, but it has a pretty good sedative in it, so i'm going to keep taking it for a while. 2008-12-29 9:13 a.m. i was friends with someone. then they said something i didn't think they would say. we were friends because i didn't think they would say something like that. 2008-12-28 previous - next diaryland